Managing a Divorce During the Holidays

Welcome to the Ayo & Iken legal roundtable. We tackle the toughest legal issues with down-to-earth commentary you can use from our expert panel of attorneys which spans Florida from Tampa Bay to Orlando and Miami.

In this edition, I will be discussing managing the already tumultuous process of getting a divorce and child care issues when coupled with the holiday season. Many view the holidays as a time for joyous family celebrations, but it is well-documented that for some, holidays can be a time of heightened loneliness, stress, financial duress, and excessive consumption of alcohol. It can lead to volatile emotions especially for those in the midst of, or just completing a divorce, particularly if there are children involved.

I have discussed with our attorneys some of the issues people may face as they traverse a family law case during the holidays.We talked about these issues with a legal team gathered for the day. Here is what we discussed:

Is there a family law-related issue that you often see come up during the holiday season?

I think the issue that comes up by far the most around this time of year is problems with child time-sharing. Usually, problems arise in cases where the parents have no agreement in place as to where the children are going to go at different times. Or they have a dispute, for example, over who has a child on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day. Many times there are also issues concerning taking care of the children during the holiday school break.

It sounds like planning ahead for those situations is important. Is that the case?

Absolutely. My best advice would be to address these issues as early as possible because if an agreement cannot be worked out, it may be possible to get in front of a judge on an emergency or expedited basis.

People are at the peak of nervousness and irrationality duing the holiday season. More communication is always better than less. Misunderstandings are at a peak so it is best to get clear agreements in writing. Email is great for that.

Timing is so important. Folks that are in the middle of trying to get a time-sharing plan for the first time have no order in place, so if the parties are incapable of communicating with each other, they may need go through attorneys to work it out.

Should you take your spouse or ex-spouse’s word for it when it comes to an agreement concerning the children?

I would get any agreement in writing and approved by court order, otherwise beware. In fact, some judges will keep time open on their calendars close to Christmas as they anticipate parties needing to get in to obtain an order.

I have seen those issues as well over and over in my career. It can make for a very sad situation when a parent is not allowing visitation during the holidays. I can’t stress enough that both parents need time with their children. The holidays can also be difficult if there is an agreement in place and people are not abiding by it. Judges, like many people, take vacation time during the holidays and therefore are not available for hearings. It can be very frustrating.

I couldn’t agree more when it comes to thinking ahead. If the holidays are important to you or your spouse, then it is important that you have a mutual understanding and agreement about how the holidays will be shared if you have children. The earlier you make the plans, the less stressful the holiday will hopefully be. That way, if you are not able to work out the plans between you and your spouse, you can ask your attorney for assistance.

Are there certain parameters when it comes to travel plans with children?

The most important thing to do is to give the other parent travel itineraries. You never want to be accused of hiding the children or depriving the other parent of holiday time.

It is more about evaluating a person’s particular situation. You should evaluate how you hope to spend your future holidays and if travel is something you may like to do with the children. If so, you should consider requesting to alternate the entire Thanksgiving break and the entire Winter Break (or at least 1st/2nd half) to allow the opportunity for travel. If you are going to agree to split Thanksgiving break or Christmas Day, that results in a short period of time in between the other parent’s time sharing, which makes travel impractical.

Are there any holiday-related emotional issues you see with people who have divorced or are separated?

It is important to remember that what may have been a “family tradition” while you and your spouse were together may not be a tradition he/she wishes to continue now that you are separated. Each parent is entitled to celebrate the holidays as he/she wishes during his/her time-sharing with the child(ren).

What I see a lot is one party “out spending” the other with gifts, trying to buy the affections of the children. I think that can be very unfair and cause resentment.

I agree, you should be mindful not to go overboard with spending and keep in line with what you have done historically in the past during the marriage.

Can what you spend on holiday gifts affect other aspects of your divorce?

It can. For example, if you are claiming a financial hardship such as need for alimony or inability to pay alimony, then it is important that your spending reflect that hardship. So you should not be able to give gifts of the same caliber financially than you were able to during the marriage.

What if a person is dating someone new and wants to buy him or her a gift?

Be very cautious on how much you spend on new relationships if you are in the middle of a family law case. The court will not look kindly if it is claimed your children or spouse went without something they should be entitled to while you have spent a pretty penny on a gift for a new romantic interest.

That is a very important point. I have seen so many sad cases where a parent leaves and has left no support and the kids have nothing in their stockings. So it is very important that people continue to support their family even if there is anger with the spouse.

I am sure a lot of people are dealing with these issues now that we are in the middle of holiday season. Thank you for this timely discussion. That is a wrap for another of our Ayo & Iken Roundtable discussions. Have a great holiday season!